After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
