he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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