Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
And then my night got REAL pukey
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize