When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
