Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
this boner is exhausting
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
