He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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