the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
