I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
