My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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