how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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