saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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