i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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