I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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