Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
