I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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