I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
