Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
