I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Randomize
