I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize