Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
