WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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