omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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