I haven't been this sober since birth.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
