It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
