Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
