He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize