i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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