I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
My penis needs a shock collar
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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