In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
