He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize