When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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