I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
There was a lot of him and a little penis
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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