Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
