i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
