I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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