just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
