No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize