I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
no more duck duck goose at the bar
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
