We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
