I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
