Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
