I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
oh god was she eating orange peels again
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
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