I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He called his prostate his "boner button".
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
