im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
