If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
