saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
