I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
