OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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