I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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