i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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