4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize