happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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