I feel great
I just peed on a car
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Dignity is for republicans.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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