Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
