census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
