Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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