So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
