Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
