Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
