I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
