I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
The power of my boobs compel you
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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