good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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