Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
