dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
