Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Randomize
