I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
